Will I go to hell?

The weather has been unbearable. If anybody greets me now, I will check the weather first to be sure I want to respond with the “good” part. All through this week, I have been tempted to think that boya I have committed a sin to make the sun come after me with so much vengeance. Ki ni mo shey Jesu mi? E jor, e dariji mi! (What have I done my Jesus? please forgive me!) I don’t want to go to hell. So I decided to be going to mass every day to atone for all my sins. A very comfortable yet greatly inconveniencing decision.

So, loro kan, the weather suddenly dropped to 28 from 42degrees. I now said to myself “Toyo, better go now o because this thing can change its mind”. Why did I think like that? It is only because even at midnight we’ve been on a steady 33degrees and not even one breeze like this would blow! Ah! My gawd! Talking about the many involuntary stupid things we do, I did plenty of it today. Now, I am afraid I may go to hell.

First, I know where my feet use to take me for mass, but today, my feet directed me somewhere else. Five magnificent catholic churches surrounds me, but there is one particular one I somehow don’t go to even though it is the closest of them all. The aura there is like “White American Male” (thank you Ooreofe for this description). I sha told myself, far or near you no go kuku understand a word, just meet with Jesus.

*Straight forward to communion time*.

Secondly, it felt weird that I found it a lirru bit difficult to join the queue. To my mind, I said queue is sha not impossible to break, lai shey formation! I forced my way on the justification that we are sha supposed to yield when one person is about to join or has been waiting to join. No be say we plenty o!

Thirdly, I knelt on the right kneeler and I realised communion was given on the tongue. Tor! I clasped my hands in a childlike manner with the cherubic attitude of a child before the Lord. Father just pass my head and moved to the right. I shrugged! Then, as he was coming back to the left, again, he passed my head. Making it twice.

In that tiny teeny-weensy seconds that Father passed me by, my brain set into action.

Hold up! Shey mo wa kere ju ni sir? (am I that small, I go unnoticed, sir?) I didn’t want to judge o or think it was deliberate. But my brain, oh my brain and my twisted mind can scan the whole world to look for any reason when I feel slighted, and it can do so in nanoseconds.

My mind went back to the communion announcement. By the way, I knew I didn’t understand a word, but whatever announcement was made before communion would have sounded like what we say back at home that “Holy communion is for baptised and practising Catholics. If you are not baptised or are not in the state of grace or you are a visitor worshipping amongst us….my mind now quickly added, “or you are a tourist, devils child, associate evil spirit, sorcerer or yet to declare your gender” stay wherever you are and pray with us. I examined my mind again to re-assure myself I was in the state of grace. I said yes! Loro kan, I was now the last person kneeling.

I just told myself, what if Father walks away from you and doesn’t give you communion? Then it would mean that I, the only skinny black girl isn’t deserving of it. I thought which was wiser, to drag him by the sleeves and force him to give me or to go back to my sit in shame as one who shouldn’t have gotten up?

My mind started racing. As I was about to gba f’Olorun that I will jejeli walk back to my seat, Father just came to my front and God knows I saw something in his eyes. Don’t ask me what I saw, but I saw something. And in that split second, I decided to pay Father back in his own coin.

Then the devil whispered lick his palm.

My mind quickly said, don’t lick it before he drops the communion on your tongue o, otherwise… Chest out, raise your chin very well and stretch your neck like an ostrich. Don’t make eye contact, remain cherubic, bring out your tongue very well and position it to lick the side of that his palm or fingers as fast as you can so that the Altar Servant won’t notice. Toyo, be very smart. If you miss this opportunity, you miss it for life. Kpa kpa kpa (very quickly), I had done all that was contorted in my mind.  As he dropped it, I made a lavish lick of the side of his fingers. A crime that has no name!

I saw his eyes widen in sheer horror. Mission accomplished. I was sooooooo happy with my innermost being ! Victory won. It took Father a while to collect himself from shock as he stood dazed before proceeding back to the altar. Ki lo kan mi!

 How could you intentionally pass me twice? How can you even think I am unworthy even though I came bearing my heart to God? Why did you treat me unkindly? Why did you, How did you kept blaring fury in my head. I felt justified.

This one is for the yard. I got to my seat, knelt and prayed to ask God for plenty breathtaking miracles.

Finally, mass was over and I decided to close my eyes to say “Jesus bye, till I come again tomorrow” and all I did, unpremeditated within that split second flashed before my eyes, and now I am afraid I am going to hell.

Will I go to hell?

Please just tell me because right now, I am experiencing severe remorse for all my action.

For my previous post on the food thief http://oluabikoye.com/index.php/2022/06/01/the-food-thief/